Death

It was 3 years ago yesterday that was the last time Bob hugged me and I heard him say he loved me with his physical voice. Tomorrow will be the third anniversary of his crossing over.

Life - so precious and fragile. These last few days have been hard. I know Bob is still with me. He sends me signs that can't be mistaken. But it isn't the same. I so miss the hugs. The closeness. Having someone to come home to and discuss what happened that day at work. Just having him there gave me strength.

The summer of 2012 he had complained that it felt like winter. It was a warm summer but looking back I believe he was talking about his life. The quality was slipping away and there was no desire left for quantity.

I laugh at the antics of the kittens and at the same time I am sad that they never knew Bob. He so loved our cats. Many have joined him these last couple of years. He loved to play with the laser light and the cats. Watching them fly down the hall and up the wall at the end would keep him and them busy for at least a half an hour.

Each year that goes by it is a little easier to deal with this time of the year. But it also brings more realizations of the things I miss the most.

I am glad that I know Bob is still with me. I think grief would have taken a real toll if I hadn't realized this. A friend who lost her husband exactly 8 months to the day prior to Bob leaving had a real rough time. Her husband came to both her daughter and to me with messages for her. Today she commented that he never comes to her. This is a woman whose mind chatters. It goes 90 miles an hour in a million directions. I reminded her of what he asked me to tell her. "Shut up and listen." If she could quiet her mind I am sure he would stop by for a chat.

Death - there is no such thing as death to the soul. It lives on. But death brings the loss of the closeness and physical touch.

Take a moment to hug someone you love. Absorb that closeness into your soul. For tomorrow you may not have it ever again.

Worth

So I have been reading about "worth".

Now this isn't in the context of material worth, although it can relate to that in some ways. This is about how you perceive your "worth".

Do you see yourself as being worthy? Do you feel you are worthy of love, joy, happiness and yes, even material worth?

As I have been reading about this concept I  have come to realize how many people I know who, in some way, define themselves as being unworthy. "I'm overweight - so no one will want a person who is overweight." Right there is the concept of thinking yourself unworthy. Everyone is worthy of love. Short, tall, skinny, fat, healthy, disabled. It doesn't matter. You deserve and need love.

"I don't have a college degree so I don't deserve to make good money." Hogwash. I have known folks who started out flipping burgers, stuck with the company and wound up managing an individual restaurant. I have also known folks who have a college degree and don't even work in their field.

Every morning get up and look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are worthy of whatever you are seeking. Close your eyes and really feel it deep down in your soul. Don't just say the words "I am worthy" - feel the words. Absorb the words. Make them a part of you.

"I am worthy" and so are you!

Ugh Days

Yesterday was an ugh day. Now I'm not talking cold and dreary and having to wear UGG boots. I'm talking about one of those days where just getting out of bed is a chore.

The night before I couldn't get to sleep. Two Benadryls didn't even phase me. It was like I had consumed a pot of espresso before I went to bed. Midnight came and went. Last time I looked at the clock it was 1 AM. I slept through my alarm at 3:30 AM and woke up at 4:15 AM. Oh to be able to call off work but that couldn't happen.

So rolling out of bed I trudge out to the kitchen and the cats are so delighted that breakfast is finally served. Doesn't matter that there were maybe 10 kibbles missing out of each of their bowls. They were absolutely sure they were going to starve.

A glass of ice tea and hopes that might get me going. Not! Now I need to get in gear so I can get ready to leave for work. Drop my bowl of yogurt and granola on the floor. Cats get a treat. Start all over. Eat real fast to make up time. Oh no - acid reflux. Find the Tums. Curling iron won't come on. Great the breaker is tripped and won't reset. Didn't get to meditate. Brain is in burnt toast mode.

Finally heading out the door to a cloudy day. Ugh. About a mile into my drive I come upon a doe and her fawn. They don't go running off like usual. Instead they stand there looking at me after I stopped. Of course my phone is on the other seat of my truck and as I reach for it the doe and fawn move off into the trees.

Yes it was an ugh day. Had to work real hard to keep from doing a face plant on my desk but the memory of the doe and her fawn gave me something to focus on.

Something positive in an otherwise ugh day.

Love

Four letters. One word. Yet it says so much. Love of family, love of life, love of food. Everyone loves something or someone.

But let's go a little further with love. What if you looked at situations with the thought of "how would love handle this". Visualize in your mind a situation and love having a physical form. Now visualize how love would handle the situation. Love wouldn't yell or scream. It wouldn't strike out or call names. It would show compassion. It would reach out and hug. It would cherish and hold on to that which is dear.

In a positive universe we would react to situations the way love would. I'm not saying negative things wouldn't happen. Imagine getting a diagnosis from your doctor that isn't what you wanted to hear. There may be tears and disbelief. Anger and/or sorrow. Yet let your heart love you. Know that if love had form it would be there to dry your tears and hug you. It would just be there by your side to give you strength.

In your darkest hour let love be there for you.